Unemployed
Person
The Suburbs
My Parents’ House
3/28/14
An Organization
I Saw Online
Trendy
Neighborhood
Any Large
Metropolitan Area
Just In Case
Someone Reads This,
I
am writing to inform you that I am unemployed and have been for a period of
time that is now beginning to look bad on my resume. I learned about the exciting new opportunity available at
your organization when I briefly checked idealist.org while taking a break from
watching Netflix and eating a snack in my bed. As soon as I read the job description I knew that it would
be the perfect match for me because it is actually a salaried position that
does not require a masters degree. I feel confident that I could do the job adequately, but I am
also aware that a multitude of much more qualified candidates will apply and I
will never receive so much as a confirmation that you received this
application.
I
attended a college and worked at other jobs in the past. Most of the responsibilities and
required skills at my last job are not relevant to the position I am currently applying
for, but over the last few months I have become very skilled at making it sound
like they are. In the past I had
specific career goals and a passionate commitment to certain things. An extended period of unemployment has
left me unable to recall what those things were at this time. Were I able to do so, I would
eloquently make connections between those things and the values mentioned in
the mission statement on your website.
I
would describe myself as detail-oriented, proactive, culturally competent,
flexible, organized, fun and even cute if that helps. In fact I am willing to go so far as to assert that I am
extremely gifted, experienced in everything, possess rare talents, am perfect,
and can be accurately described by any other positive sounding adjectives that you
deem desirable in a candidate for this position. I am eager to confirm that I am comfortable working under
pressure in a fast paced environment, possess strong communication skills, and
I will even say that I work well as a member of a team as well as independently
even though that seems like it’s probably a contradiction for most people. In short, I am committed to describing
my skills and work habits in whatever way sounds best.
Although
the job application process had gradually but decidedly worn away at my
self-confidence and sense of ambition, I maintain hope that if someone would
contact me for an interview I would at least be able to feel things again. Accordingly, I look forward to
hearing back from you regarding this job opening, another job opening at your
organization, or literally any job opening anywhere ever. I appreciate your time and
consideration, since being unemployed is the worst and you have the power to
save me.
Desperately,
An Unemployed
Person
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